If It Pleases The Crown… and it does.

This episode is dedicated to Amy Lynn, who is living in Georgia & working in a  Furniture Store and wondering where her happiness is.  I’m pretty sure it’s not in either place.   Grab a pair of shoes, Amy, and come along with me. 

Ok, I lied about the shoes.


Shoes, even a great new pair of shoes, doesn’t really make me happy.  Not like my best friend, Kathryn, who loves shoes so much she keeps them on special open shelving in her bedroom, where she can look at them before falling asleep and upon waking.  Actually, I didn’t tell you this before, but she does the same with the clothes in her closets.  She took the closet doors off just to be able to look at her beautiful clothes when she is in bed.  It makes her happy.

Given my preference, I’d rather go barefoot and maybe naked, except when it’s cold.

But that’s kind of the point.

While I knew a great pair of new shoes or some new clothes wouldn’t make me happy, I had to figure out what would.

Because I knew that my happiness was, to me, the most important thing on Earth and maybe the Universe.  My Universe.

And that’s when I realized that I had found the key to the door where, on the other side, was my happiness.

My Universe was all, after all, what I really had to work with.

Knock Knock…

So I tried to identify the things in my Universe that made me happy, and therefore could stay and the things in my Universe that didn’t make me happy and therefore, would be banished.  Some things temporarily, some things permanently.

I was going to become the Queen of my Universe.

If The Sash Fits…

That thought alone, made me happy.  And the more I thought about being Queen of My Universe, the happier it made me.  And this was not going to be some kind of Queen-For-A-Day kind of Universe, this was going to be a Queen-Until-the-End-Of-Time Universe.

That thought really made me happy.  It pleased The Crown.  It pleased The Crown very much.

I decided to keep it.

Available at Fashion Gal, Sunland – $14.95

I actually went out and bought myself a Tiara, which all Queens should have stashed away somewhere.   I bought mine at a little store next to my Ralph’s Supermarket.  As Tiaras go, it was pretty inexpensive, and very understated, but I got a lot of bang for my buck with that tiara.

I wore it everywhere.  Even in the shower.

It pleased The Crown.

I wore it when I sat upon my throne, which at this point was the well-worn bench seat in the tiny kitchenette in the tiny trailer with the fumes of chemical toilet wafting through the air and the decorator-design sticky tape full of dead flies swaying in the horse-poop scented breeze that came through the tiny trailer windows.


I actually like the smell of horse poop.  Mostly because some of it comes out of the rear end of my horse, Shiloh.  There is nothing about my horse that I don’t love.  He was once a wild Mustang and now, some 15 years later, he is not so wild, but he is still a Mustang, with a great sense of humor.  He makes me laugh all the time we are together, so I make sure I see him every day. Nothing makes me happier than being with my horse or thinking about my horse.

Shiloh could definitely stay in My Universe.

Waffle, Cookie & Brownie

So could my 3 dogs.  Their personalities make me laugh and they keep me safe from the UPS Man and anyone else who dares to walk in front of my house without my permission.  They are little, so they don’t each much and even though I have to clean up their poop, at least they poop outside.  Except when it rains.  But I can’t blame them for that. I wouldn’t want to walk barefoot out in the rain to poop in the back garden, either.  Even though I prefer to go barefoot, as I’ve mentioned before.

Now I had 4 things that could stay in My Universe.

This was becoming fun. And having fun made me happy.

The Crown was becoming even more pleased.

It pleased The Crown that we would soon be moving out of the Tiny Pinterest-Failure Trailer into new castle where The Crown could put a real bed to sleep upon and take a real shower.

It pleased The Crown that the new Castle would not have flies stuck to designer-sticky tape and had walls and ceilings that could be painted to a color that more pleased The Crown. It pleased The Crown that the possessions and clothing of The Crown could be delivered in The Pod that was now stored in a facility in Van Nuys and had traveled all the way back from Florida.


Home, Sweet… Never mind.

The thought of Florida did not please The Crown.

Florida, once such a hopeful and exciting word, had become a word full of anguish and pain and desolation.

Florida was a word that had once meant a permanent home, with a family to share what was the next and possibly last chapter of the family’s life together in one place.  A place called Florida.

Florida now meant packing every single thing The Crown owned, dragging it 3,000 miles, unpacking everything, waiting for a family that would never arrive, packing everything back up again and moving it all 3,000 miles back to where it had come from.

No.  The Thought Of Florida did not Please The Crown.

So The Crown decided that the word “Florida” would be banished.

And the thought pleased the Crown.

For the other end of the stick of things that made me happy were the things that made me unhappy and since this was my Universe and I was Queen, I had the Divine Right to decide which was which.

I mean, who am I to argue with God?

When He’s Right, He’s Right.

So I settled into my throne and once again turned on Kitchen Nightmares and silently thanked Gordon Ramsay for saving my life by pointing out the fact that my Universe, much like the Restaurants he visited and damned,  was in shambles.  And I, much like those Restaurant Owners, had only my damn self to blame.   And to clean up.

And while I was deciding what would make me happy again, and what would not make me happy, the phone rang.

And The Crown looked down upon the Caller-ID and smiled.

Heads were about to roll.


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4 thoughts on “If It Pleases The Crown… and it does.

  1. Now I’m laughing AND confused…which if you think about it, isn’t very unusual! I thought this story was going to be about Amy Lynn. Not an homage to your trials, tribulations and traumas, (great illiterations, huh?) to help Amy feel better about her own tsouris? (Problems!) Now I’m confused, confounded and cringing…(more lovely illiterations!) because sometimes, Your Majesty, even if it doesn’t please you as a person…it’s pleasing that thing you’ve been wearing upon your head…pretending it’s really belonging to The Monarchy? Oy Vey Es Meir! It’s a f^%#ing tiara! Not the Crown Jewels! Because if it was the Royal Crown Jewels, you’d be somewhere in Hawaii, Tahiti, San Tropez or the Bahamas or wherever, sipping Mai Tai’s. Point is…you would be living large! Neither as large as I am..,(we’ll just leave out the girth jokes for now)…but at least I’m happy living in paradise. And I’m in Florida! Oh! Alright! Outside my condo is paradise! The inside looks like a tenement s^%#hole! But it’s still home! And that pleases me! Even if my throne is in,y my new toilet! At any rate”…I digress as usual. Now. What were we just talking about?


  2. Pingback: Scott Sedita & The Haunted Forest | Suzy – Season 6

  3. Pingback: Happier | Suzy – Season 6

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